The Tak Team Blog

Direct Answers - Column for the week of February 3, 2003

I need some advice, please! I’ve been married to the same man for 11 years. He’s a nice person when he’s not drinking. However that isn’t very often.

He drinks on a daily basis. Sometimes it’s four beers, sometimes it’s 12 or more. He drinks alone and then gets verbally abusive. He tells me I could never make it without him. I would have to live in a cardboard box. He calls me names, then tells me he loves me and will never let me leave.

He had a terrible childhood. He was adopted and his dad left his mom for another woman. He hasn’t gotten over his anger, but he won’t seek any type of help. He denies there is a problem. My husband saves most of the good stuff for me, but he’s verbally abusive to our two children as well.

I’ve been to Al-Anon and talked to counselors. I tried to draw him back into the family, but he keeps pushing us away. I feel it’s best to separate from him. Maybe the realization will make him take control. It’s sad when your children wake up in the morning and ask, “Is Dad in a better mood, or do we need to be careful?”

Esme

Esme, your kids are living in a crazy, unpredictable environment. Walking on eggshells is affecting their development, and it will damage their future.

Their emotions are cycling between fear, bewilderment, anger and embarrassment. Children raised in this environment often become people pleasers who judge themselves harshly and have a hard time following through on projects. They likely will have difficulty disclosing their feelings to others, and they likely will live with a constant feeling of dread.

You have no power to change your husband’s behavior. Only he can change it, and if he ever changes, he will do it for his own sake. Until he is tired of being controlled by anger and alcohol, he will not change.

At present he can be abusive and drunk and still maintain his home and family. He has no incentive to change. There are no consequences for continuing as he is, and there is no reason to assume a separation will make him take control. If he changes, it may be long after you leave.

Your highest duty is to your children. They have done nothing to deserve living in this kind of home. Your next duty is to yourself. You can’t live a normal life with this man. There is one more duty. That is the duty your husband owes to himself not to waste his chance at life. But that is a duty only he can fulfill.

Proceed with your decision to leave, and take steps to ensure your safety and that of your children.

Wayne

Sexual Histories

I’ve been dating a lady for about a week. We really click. A few days ago we were talking about personal problems, and she told me she had herpes.

I am in my 30s and have never met anyone with herpes. I was married for two years, but before I was married I was a virgin and very nave about sexual things. I don’t know if I should avoid sexual contact with her or just walk away.

Manny

Manny, you have a serious decision to make. Unless and until you see this lady as a life partner, avoid sexual contact. Otherwise, if things don’t work out, her situation could become your own.

We suggest sitting down with a physician or other health professional to discuss exactly what this can mean for your future. There is no reason to be embarrassed. Simply explain to them what you explained to us.

The reason to go to a medical source first is you will not only get an authoritative answer, but you will have laid the groundwork for future treatment if you decide to proceed.

Tamara

About The Author

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.

I remember when I started trying to meditate. I would sit down, close my eyes, and try to be really calm (my definition of meditation at the time). That was hard: my head would burst with ideas, thoughts, solutions, problems… I would become agitated, and stopped generally after ten long minutes, if not less. It’s during my short “meditations” that I felt less… meditative.

I knew there was something for me to explore that was beyond the physical world. I knew I would unleash my potential, by “going within”. And sitting meditation, as I knew it, was the #1 technique that would lead me there. Yet, I just couldn’t do it… I was inadequate.

No, I wasn’t - and neither are you, if you are experiencing a similar situation. It’s your definition of meditation that may be inadequate.

The idea behind meditation is not to sit on a chair, and close our eyes. Or to sit in lotus, and watch the leaves change colors. You can do all this if you feel a call to do so, but whatever technique you choose is just as relevant as the type of fork you eat your meals with. Forks, meditations, cars, are just tools that help us accomplish a specific task…

Meditation, we could say, is an “altered state of consciousness”. We do not see things as we normally do; we feel connected to something bigger than our everyday selves; we feel “wider” than usual. In a few words, we are so immersed in ourselves that we can transcend our own limitations. Now, the question is: what do you need to feel that way (if so you wish)? For some people, it’s gardening; for others, it’s laying down comfortably and listening to music (it doesn’t even need to be New Age…). I personally know someone who meditates by playing card games on her computer. After a few minutes of calculating her moves and keeping score, she looses touch with the cards, and she “takes off”.

Why don’t we value such activities as much as those that involve candles, cushions, and incense? They may be simple, or silly, but their impact often is important, profound. Even more, they are easy and effortless. No need to be disciplined - we are naturally attracted to them.

In some ways, maybe that’s why we don’t always see their true magnitude. They are too accessible and natural. Mustn’t we pay a high price or work hard to get anything of value? If it’s easy, it’s not worth much… or so we were told.

For some people, meditating the conventional way (sitting down and all) does not contribute to expanding their horizon. It may look like they are meditating when they are doing it, but in reality they are thinking about their problems, analyzing this and that…they are relaxing, yes, but meditating, no. They would probably have the deep experience they are looking for much more easily by being active, by doing things just like those mentioned before (repetitive tasks, especially, are very effective in that regard). Of course, before washing the dishes, or doing some gardening, we don’t really think “I’m going to meditate”. But when we become aware of the higher potential these activities hold for us, we can utilize them consciously with that clear intention in mind.

Still, the point of this article is that we do not even need a clear intention to meditate. In fact, when we want something too much, we often become our first obstacle in the process - especially when it comes to meditation. You cannot work hard to attain something that is all about lightness, openness, and receptivity. You cannot push yourself to open up. You can only create favorable circumstances - and those can be anything, as we have seen, since it is just a matter of which tool works best for you.

So if your mind is constantly active, or extremely creative, and your energy is so high you cannot sit down and close your eyes, do not categorize yourself as unspiritual or “unmeditative”. You may not be able to sit for hours in uncomfortable positions like Tibetan monks do, but you too can accomplish things that they would not even dream of doing. Sure, you would benefit greatly from slowing down your thoughts and relaxing; but developing strategies that suit you as you are now would probably serve you even better. What could be the best way to meditate for you?

About The Author

Marie-Pier Charron, life coach, is founder of Implosions, and editor of a monthly newsletter filled with practical tips and powerful empowerment strategies. To get your own free subscription, visit her at http://www.implosions.net

info@implosions.net

Not long after the beginning a being fell from the heavens to the earth. Even as the Spirit of God hovered overhead, the Serpent swam the waters below. As light divided from darkness, the Serpent chose the darkness, preferring it to the light. And the Serpent stalked the darkness of that first night.

New things began to appear on the earth–dry land, green plants, herbs, trees, fish, birds, creeping things, wild beasts, and livestock of every kind. From his dark hiding place the Serpent inspected each new creature, seeking a victim. And it was bad.

From the shadows he eavesdropped on the divine council, adding to its ringing words his own diabolical echo: “Let us pervert humankind into beings after our image, reshaping them after our likeness. Let them lose their dominion over the birds of the air, and over the creatures of the sea, and over everything that moves over the face of the ground.” And soon it would be so.

And as new divine words were uttered to the new creatures, the hiding Serpent whispered, “Be barren and divide, and spread your contagion throughout the whole earth.” And it was bad.

From a hiding place he watched the man fall asleep. Even his evil heart felt wonder and awe as the woman was formed, so like the man, yet so different. But the Serpent vowed, “I will devise it so that a man will leave his wife, and a woman her husband, and I will make them to cling to father and mother, and the one flesh shall become two.” This too would soon be so.

And on the seventh day, as the Almighty rested from His labors and enjoyed fellowship with His creation, the Serpent skulked in the gloom, vowing that he would never rest, but would roam through the earth, insinuating, reviling, perverting, destroying.

But the Serpent never realized that the darkness he preferred was really a shadow, a shadow made by a divine light from the future. And that light was illuminating a cross. And it was good; behold, it was very good.

Steve Singleton has written and edited several books and numerous articles on subjects of interest to Bible students. He has taught Greek, Bible, and religious studies courses Bible college, university, and adult education programs. He has taught seminars and workshops in 11 states and the Caribbean.

Go to his DeeperStudy.com for Bible study resources, no matter what your level of expertise. Explore “The Shallows,” plumb “The Depths,” or use the well-organized “Study Links” for original sources in English translation. Sign up for Steve’s free “DeeperStudy Newsletter.”